Realizing my worth.

What I’ve written is actually a conversation between me and one of my best friends in the world. Honestly, without her I don’t know what I would do. We live far apart and unfortunately don’t get to catch up often enough, but I know no matter what she is always there. Which is why I knew I had to go to her.

My depression isn’t the only problem. My relationship is a big problem. I know I need to leave, but I can’t seem to make myself. Here goes.

ME: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/entertainment/a4370631/why-kylie-jenner-and-tyga-should-never-be-relationshipgoals/?src=socialflowFB. This kinda makes me think of my relationship. I deserve to raise my standards and be happy.

HB: See here’s the thing: you deserve to demand whatever your standards are and not give a flying fuck about sticking to them. You deserve to NEVER be treated less than you deserve. And if you see you and him in Kyga…babe. Get. Out.

ME: I know…I just can’t make myself commit to it. This past weekend I was so close to making plans with my mom to help me move out and get an apartment. So I can try living on my own and being on my own.

HB: And then did he give you just enough of what you want to make you stay?

ME: I’ve been in therapy for 6 months. I went in trying to work through my problems with my mom, and what I’ve been learning the past couple of years about my childhood. Then I realized how depressed I am. I was so insanely depressed and I couldn’t see how unhappy I was. And now I’m realizing how much I don’t like myself. I don’t think there is anything special about me. Why would anyone love me? Why would anyone care about me, or want to even be friends with me. I’ve been on Zoloft. And it helped at first. Around my birthday I was happier than I’ve ever been. And a couple of weeks later we got in this huge fight and he said he couldn’t trust me because I got really drunk and he had to come pick me up on a weeknight. Then I found some texts on his phone to some girl saying “I wish we had fucked that night. At least I got to kiss you.” And I didn’t say anything until the next day and it was the worst I’ve ever felt in my life. When I told him and he said it was true, because things had been bad… Of course he used his “hail mary.” Marriage. He knows that’s what I want more than anything, and he dangled it in my face. And he still does it. And I think I’m lucky, that he was kind enough to STOP TALKING TO OTHER FUCKING GIRLS and be loyal to me. I deserve a fucking MAN who would do anything for me. Would  NEVER make ME feel guilty for his infidelity. But I’m still here. This past weekend I hit rock bottom. I’ve isolated myself completely. From my mom, my coworkers, I don’t have friends. Or at least I don’t feel like I do. I was so alone. And had convinced myself that no one would listen to me. Or care about what was going on. When I realized I was having suicidal thoughts, I realized this wasn’t me. This isn’t where I belong. I should NEVER have a thought like that. I called my dad because I was scared shitless. I didn’t know what else to do. I was physically alone and not home. It was awful.

HB: A) I’m  SO GLAD you called your dad. B) Here’s the thing. Talk to yourself and ask yourself how to take care of you. Use some visualization meditations and picture yourself as a separate person, a friend or child perhaps, and imagine allowing this separate girl go through what you are. Would you stand by? Or would you do something to try and change her situation? He is abusive. Emotionally, devastatingly so. I’ve thought so for years. This doesn’t mean that there isn’t real feelings between you, or that he’s doing it on purpose, but it DOES mean that you are in a situation and place that is continually toxic and harmful to your very essence. I believe that you believe in karma and the universe being connected and everything having a purpose, etc…everything includes you. If something or someone in your life is holding you back from discovering and realizing and working towards that purpose and meaning in your life, sometimes it is there for a reason, for you to gather your strength and PUSH out of the way because you fucking don’t wanna be sad anymore. Because you deserve to live your fullest life and if it’s hard for you to do this for you, try doing it for him. He’s not living his fullest life skating through people’s hearts and leaving destruction behind him. He needs to learn how to value people if he’s ever going to really love or feel love. You’re not living your fullest life believing these things about yourself and surrounding yourself with someone who simply can’t treat you properly to remind you how horrifically untrue those beliefs are. Those wounds from your childhood will take years to heal. The quickest and most thorough was to heal them in my experience is to fight against what that little girl or other self is thinking or telling herself and force yourself into taking risks to have what you deserve, even if it’s uncomfortable and painful.

 

Thankful for our friendship, no matter the miles. You know who you are.

 

Alice.

To quit or not to quit: the anti-depressant dilemma

 

About 9 months ago I admitted I was depressed. 6 months ago I started seeing a therapist. 4 months ago I started the first anti depressant I’ve ever taken. I’ve taken anti anxiety meds before, but only for a month because I hated how I felt. I was against anti depressants at first, but my therapist thought they would help so I said why not.

Can I just say, I have always been a very sexual person. My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and we have the best sexual chemistry I could ever imagine. But about 2 weeks after I started taking the meds, sex was the last thing I ever thought about. My boyfriend (we’ll call him Phox) tried to be patient with me, but the contrast between my constant attempts to have sex daily to barely wanting him to even touch me once a week.. he felt like I had turned into a different person.

He was right.

Every day I go through the motions on autopilot. I don’t even remember my work days, or driving, or even having sex with Phox. It makes me sad. I’ve always been a happy person, or so I thought. Ignorance is bliss, right?

Here’s my dilemma: On the meds, I’m a zombie. I think about killing myself pretty regularly, and that thought has never crossed my mind before.. And it scares the shit out of me. Off the meds, I’m manic. My anxiety is through the roof, I cry at the drop of a hat, I will go shopping on my lunch break the day I get paid and spend my ENTIRE CHECK in one store and think nothing about it. Either way, it’s not good for me.

I’ve been debating just stopping the meds, just flush them and move on. But the very small logical portion of my brain shouts at me “DON’T YOU DARE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT COULD HAPPEN. WAIT AND TALK TO YOUR THERAPIST.” The impulsive part of my brain says “eh, you’ll get over it.”

So basically its this:

Stay on the anti depressants for at least 5 more weeks until I see my psychiatrist and he sets me on a plan to taper off, and risk more suicidal thoughts, self hatred, and no sex drive. (Petty, I know)

Stop taking the anti depressants cold turkey, risk the horrible side effects that I’ve been reading about, make my anxiety ten times worse, and be my crazy manic self that can’t take care of herself.

All aboard the struggle bus.

 

Alice

 

via Daily Prompt: Dilemma

Life looks better through a filter.

Children aren’t the only ones who pretend and have overactive imaginations. As adults we may not even realizing we are pretending to be something we aren’t. In today’s society, it’s all about your followers approval. We consider our instagram followers our friends because they like our photos. Hell, majority of the people that follow me on instagram, I haven’t spoken a word to them in at least the last 6 months.

What I’m trying to say, is we pretend to lead picture perfect lives. We are so consumed in what our social media followers will say about what we wore today, or what we had for lunch (but we put so many filters on it that now the chicken looks yellow and naaasty), or even our achievements that we share.

What about everything we don’t post.

Over the past 6 months my depression has changed who I am. It’s also changed how I feel about myself. I’ve never really liked myself, but this is different.. It’s self hatred. But do any of my  followers know about that? No. My own parents had no idea how bad it had gotten until recently. Because I was pretending everything was fine. I was keeping up appearances, on social networks and physically, but on the inside.. I was drowning.

We can pretend that our followers and “friends” do truly care about our well being. But until they are sitting there with me while I’m crying to myself “How the hell did I get here? Why can’t I feel ANYTHING?” They do not have my best interest in mind.

We all know this is true. Yet, we will all (myself included) keep pretending that these people are our “friends” and still thrive off of their likes, comments and shares. The real physical people in your life that hold you, love you and even kick you in the ass.. We can’t forget about them. Because they are what holds us up.

Alice

 

via Daily Prompt: Pretend