Is the mask working?

 

I work in customer service. So all day long I talk to strangers. Unfortunately, my job requires listening to sad, sometimes horrific, stories all day long. Lucky for me I’m good at being empathetic. I am always kind and patient and understanding with the phone calls I get.

Every day, around 2:30 I start to feel restless. I’ve taken a lunch already so it’s not about needing to get out of the building. Today I realized what it was.

Pretending to be in a good mood all day long, and being immersed into some of the saddest things I’ve ever heard, it drains me. Mentally, physically, emotionally. By the end of the day I don’t want anyone to talk to me or even acknowledge me. I just want to go home, lay in bed, and watch Netflix until I fall asleep. (If Netflix binging was an olympic sport…you might as well call me Michael Phelps.)

I’ve always cared more about everyone else around me more than myself. Whether I know you very well or not I’m going to try to make you smile and try to make my mark on you. One of my biggest fears is leaving this earth without making an impression on anyone outside of my family. And I don’t mean “Yeah, I knew her in high school, she was always really nice.” I want to make a difference in someones life. I think that’s also part of the reason I crave everyone else’s approval so badly.

I don’t believe that I am special enough to mean the world to someone. Even my boyfriend, who assures me all the time that he would do anything in the world for me. I just have a hard time believing it. Why would you love me so much? There’s nothing special about me. One phrase I’ve used to describe myself as of late is “overwhelmingly simple”, and it makes me dislike myself even more every time I realize how true it is.

Maybe that’s why I try so hard. Because I know how true it is, and I don’t want everyone else to realize that its true.

 

Alice